Gear Up Girls

I have been listless, restless, bored and lost ever since I ran that half marathon in October. Oh sure, I'm still working out. But I have no point, no destination, no goals. Until now. As I have been pressuring my friend Shaunda to run the Fox Cities Half Marathon with me in September, it dawned on me. I have been telling you all about my experiences with training for and running a half marathon for over a year now. It's time for you all to share in it with me.

So I got this bright idea to gather up all of my blog readers and Facebook friends and do my best to try to recruit you to participate in the Community First Fox Cities Festival of Races. So many of you have approached me or sent me private messages asking how I got motivated or started. You've shared that you are frustrated with yourself and wanting to get in better shape. Some of you have even told me that you were inspired by me. . . . . . aw shucks.

Now, I want to share it with you. I want you to feel how awesome it is when you take your first step, commit to something big, and reach it. I can't guarantee it will be fun getting there but I can guarantee that when you accomplish your goal, you will see something in yourself that you have never seen before. You will suddenly feel more confident in yourself than you've ever felt, more pride than you can imagine, and YOU will inspire the people in your lives.

Are you thinking about it? What are you afraid of, the distance? You don't have to run the full marathon. You don't even have to run the half. You will have your choice of a 5K (3.1 miles), the half marathon (13.1 miles), or the full marathon (26.2 miles). So now you're afraid of the running? No excuse, you can walk. Even the half marathon. Yes, YOU can walk 13.1 miles. It is a tremendous feeling.

Have I convinced you? I really hope so. I am hoping to put together a big group of women who can do this together. I imagine us training together, sharing tips and short term goals, leaning on each other when it gets tough, and celebrating together in the end. I can see your family at the finish line, cheering you on. And I can see a single tear streaming down your cheek when you realize that you are so much stronger than you ever thought you were before.

Sometime tonight, I will be sending you a Facebook invite to participate in this challenge. If you are brave enough, respond with a yes, and post your goal. 5K, 1/2 marathon, or full marathon. You can change your mind anytime before the official registration, which was May 1 last year, giving you plenty of time to think it over. Over the next 9 months, I will try to motivate you with blogs, emails, and other ideas I have in mind. We will get together as we are able to plan, train, laugh, cry. If I don't send you an invite, it was because I had no idea you would be interested. PLEASE, email me and I will send you one.

Oh my gosh, I am so excited I could scream.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff? Sure. . . .

Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays. I really do. Some of you who have seen me over the past few weeks may not believe me. Perhaps I seem a little stressed. Take today for example. It is 5:30 AM on Sunday and my kid spent the night at my in-law's house. Normally, that would mean the luxury of sleeping until eight and then lounging around a bit. But just a few minutes ago, I found myself wide awake, laying in bed planning grocery lists, household tasks, and hour-by-hour schedules. I can tell you exactly where I will be every minute of the day, beginning on Thursday at 4:30 until Sunday afternoon.

I know it's not just me. I know that most of you are shopping, wrapping, planning, baking, cleaning, and scheduling in a very similar fashion. I know some of you have clicked on that intriguing link on msn.com, "8 Ways to Manage Your Holiday Stress NOW!" Did you find it helpful? Me neither. (By the way, don't bother to read "Avoid Holiday Weight Gain". That one's not too much help either.)

These people need a writer who tells it like it is. Someone who knows that just because you have an apple and a protein shake before you go to the office party does NOT mean that you will have satisfied your appetite enough to skip the dessert table. These same experts also suggest "taking a breather to clear your mind". The person who wrote that must not have an inch of dust covering every surface in her home. My personal favorite? "It's OK to cry or take time to express your feelings." I really don't agree. No one wants to hear me screaming in the middle of the holiday dinner, "I hope you all enjoy the meal because it took me hours of preparation and planning and it cost me a fortune and I don't even like apple pie."

If you find these lists as irritating and completely unhelpful as I do, perhaps you will find my list more comforting and a hell of a lot more useful.

1. Buy a LOT of batteries. No one tells you this in self help books, but trust me, Santa has a way of leaving gifts that you never would have dreamed needed batteries. Keep a good selection on hand for Christmas morning and you will have less whining and your husband won't have to run to the gas station in his jammie pants to pick some up. (Thank goodness for Kwik Trip.)

2. If you have a pet, do not think you can get away with putting edible gifts under your tree just because they are wrapped. This should be self explanatory.

3. Christmas cards. Stop the madness. Don't send them to people you hate just because they were dumb enough to send one to you. If you must, send them to the select people who mean the most. And by the way, I stopped this tradition all together a few years ago so if you didn't get a card from me, it doesn't mean I hate you.

4. Get your children gifts that you like. Seriously, I refuse to purchase season 3 of Spongebob even if Sam would scream with joy when he opened it. And when choosing board games, I always get ones that I won't mind playing since I know I'll be his number one competitor in said games. One year, he received "Disney Channel Monopoly". That was a hard lesson to learn, my friends.

5. Go guilt free. Or at least try to. I hate guilt. It weighs me down a lot, and usually for things that I should not even consider feeling guilty about. Starting today, I am guilt free for one full week. Do the best you can. It is not up to you to make all 37 members of your extended family happy. If they don't enjoy the holidays, it's their own fault.

6. Not everything needs to be homemade. Pillsbury makes a lovely crescent roll that comes in a cardboard tube and people love those suckers. You can do it! Put down the yeast packets!!

7. Your kids will love you even if they don't get everything on their list. I promise.

8. Speaking of kids, put them to work. There is seriously not enough of this going on these days. If you are stressed about cleaning, cooking, or wrapping, stop doing it all yourself and make your children help you. Back in the day, people had extra kids for this reason alone. They needed more help! There is no reason your kids can't wrap grandma's present--the corners don't have to look perfect and who cares if they use 87 pieces of tape? The point is, it's one less thing for you to do. (Also, you will have much better luck getting help from your kids than you will from your husband. Fact.)

9. Some people might suggest wine. I think that's a bit too obvious. I will reserve that for Sunday night when things are finally winding down. For now, it's coffee, coffee, coffee. The more the better. Strong and black, nothing fancy. I have never seen this on one of those other stupid lists about coping with holiday stress. Clearly, they don't get it at all.

10. Try to have some fun. We all have that one relative we dread seeing. Sure, the turkey might be a little dry. I know the cat has tipped the tree over six times by now and your great grandmother's ornament is broken. Not everyone will use the coasters you've conveniently placed around your house. Yes, you bought something that the recipient already has and now you need to dig out the receipt. (You did keep a perfect little caddy with all the receipts organized alphabetically, didn't you?) It's not going to be perfect. No matter how much you try, it simply cannot be perfect.

Next year, I'm submitting this list to MSN to see if they'll publish it for the regular folks like us who know that carrot sticks and meditation are not going to save us from holiday chaos. I wish you all a very blessed holiday. Hopefully, stress free thanks to these tips. And no, you may not put tranquilizers in your kids' bed time snacks the night before Christmas. Are you kidding? Save them for yourself!

Appreciate Yourself

I will start by bragging and, as you read, you will see why I am entitled to this. I ran 4 miles and did Jillian's 30 Day Shred Level 3, all in under one hour today. Other than the half marathon, it may have been the most difficult work out of my life. I told my family I'm taking things up a notch this year and I really meant it. But here's why I started today.

If you saw me in the grocery store today, I apologize right now if I was rude to you, did not make eye contact with you, or even if I appeared to run off to a different aisle just as we spotted one another. It had nothing to do with you. I was in a BAD MOOD. I hate the grocery store and every ounce of time I spend there. I never know what to buy and am especially irritated when the store is out of the items that I actually know I need. What makes it worse is that when I leave the house I always ask, "Do you need anything?", "Anything special you want from the store?". The answer, always, is no. But, within 30 minutes of my return, people are complaining that there is nothing to eat.

In anticipation of this occurence, I started to feel grouchy while shopping. I started to get that sick feeling that mothers get sometimes. That mean, nasty voice that slowly starts to creep in but quickly becomes a scream inside my head. "THEY DON'T APPRECIATE YOU!!!!!!!!" What if I never shopped? Would they eat anything? Probably McDonalds. But what if I never balanced the checkbook and we had NO money? Does he even know what kind of bills we have? NO! When is the last time that kid actually picked up after himself? Does he even deserve Christmas gifts???? I do everything around here. No one even notices. And the worst. . . what would they do if I was gone?

Hold on, hold on. I'm not going anywhere. This just tends to overcome me once in a while and I suspect it happens to many of you too. If it doesn't, then you must fit into one of these three categories:
1. You are a man;
2. You have no kids; or
3. You are not married to a man.
If you are lucky enough to be one of the people listed in 1-3, may I please spend the holidays with you? For the rest of you women-who-have-kids-and-are-married-to-men, we need to pull ourselves together and deal with this issue before we leave our families to the wolves to starve and fend for themselves.

The first thing we need to do is realize that we are making this scenario so much worse by allowing this train of thoughts to get so derailed in our heads. Honestly, I don't think our husbands appreciate us as much as they should, but I have a feeling a lot of them are doing the best they can. They are not built like us, their brains are not the same as ours, and I believe that they do not have the capacity to think like we do. So why do we keep expecting them to? Once we come to terms with that, it is easier to stop expecting something that is never going to happen.

The next step has something to do with why I challenged myself to the second hardest workout of my life. I couldn't get my thoughts to stop. In fact, when I came home from the store, my son was six inches in front of the TV watching a Big Time Rush episode that he has seen at least 10 times, at top volume. My husband was in bed, asleep. Four letter words that start with F came out of my mouth louder than the TV as I dramatically carried in all the groceries by myself and let everyone know about it.

It was at that point that I realized I had (maybe) crossed a line myself. Before I could talk myself out of it, I put on my workout clothes and hit the home gym(AKA 10 year old treadmill). The workout was rewarding and I did it myself. I wasn't expecting anyone else to chip in, wasn't waiting to hear someone thank me for how hard I worked, and wasn't pissed off when I didn't get the help I thought I deserved.

Working moms, whether you work inside or outside your home or both, you NEED this for yourself. It is the only time when you will work your butt off and REALLY feel appreciated and all that appreciation will come from your own heart and your own voice. Let the laundry go for one hour. Honestly, no one appreciates that you are doing it for them anyway!

And in case you are wondering, the workout song that fuels this self-appreciation workout goes something like this:
"So raise your glass if you are wrong
in all the right ways
All my underdogs
We will never be never be
anything but loud
and nitty gritty dirty little freaks
So come on and come on and raise your glass"

Raise your glass, ladies, and cheer yourselves. No one is going to do it for you!

Consider This. . . . .

Here are some things I need to confess. Thanksgiving week has been tough. Too much butter, tomato cream sauce, pumpkin pie, cookie dough, and cheese. I didn't take my own advice, didn't follow my own directions and sit here tonight feeling bloated and irritable. My guess is that many of you feel the same way.

These holidays are coming crashing down on me just as predicted, and it's time to stop them in their tracks. How did food become such an integral part of the holidays? I would like to propose some alternatives, like Frank Costanza's "Festivus", something for the rest of us. Something that doesn't leave us craving sugar and feeling bad about water retention.

Idea number one: We fast on the holidays. Think about it. We indulge plenty. Girls night out generally includes a big meal, dessert, cocktails. It could be once a month or more and usually is for no reason other than getting out of the house. Everytime I get my hair done, Becki and I go out with our stylist friend, Cassie, and indulge in food, drinks, or both. I'm already allowing food indulgences so maybe fasting for the holidays wouldn't be so out of the question. But I'm not sure my Grandma is going to be to happy when I show up and refuse to eat.

Idea number two: An ALL ASPARTAME HOLIDAY. Everything we eat must include this lovely calorie free chemical. Diet soda, light yogurt, sugar free candy, you get the idea. Sounds good, doesn't it? I'm not one of those people who is totally against the use of artificial sweeteners. But I do hate the aftertaste which is reason enough to forget this idea quickly.

Idea number three: Nudity. What if we were mandated to celebrate the holidays in the nude? If you knew that you had to celebrate in the nude, would you eat that third scoop of raw cookie dough? Would you cut your workouts short? Would you drink a pitcher of margaritas? I think not.

I guess we'll probably never go to these extremes. But we need to be smart while we prepare for these holidays. Consider indulging a little less on average days over the next month, knowing there will be a few days that indulging will be ok. Drink a diet soda instead of a regular one. And with each temptation, ask yourself this; Would I be eating this if I had to celebrate Christmas in the nude?

Thanksgiving week wasn't all bad. I did a 10K in decent time and celebrated by taking some quiet time alone on Clearwater Beach, which was a great reward. I managed to squeeze a few other workouts in and I didn't have dessert with every meal. Tonight is a night to recharge and come up with a plan for December, knowing that I want to be realistic without allowing for too much slack. I encourage you to do the same so you are prepared to take on the season.

Ready or not, here it comes!!

Hairy Situation

Just a few more days and I'm on the road, heading to see my family in Florida. This is my 7th year going to Florida for Thanksgiving and I've got to say, there is no better place to give thanks. I get to be with my family, stay in a gorgeous home for free, and I don't have to see any deer carcasses hanging from the rafters of our garage. I do just have one teeny problem with this trip. Florida vacations require the shaving of one's legs.

I know what you are thinking already. Shouldn't she be shaving her legs routinely? Isn't' it gross to let the hair just grow? Stop right there. Really? What is so gross about it? Sure, a woman's legs tend to be sexier with the hair removed and just the right amount of coconut lime lotion applied. Sure, it's the socially acceptable thing to do, in America. But think about it. What if NO ONE ever started shaving their legs? We could walk around with hairy legs and people would still find us sexy, that's what. No one ever would have known how we looked without the hair. I would like to find the first woman who ever turned a man's head with her shaven legs and strangle her.

Do you think the women who came over on the Mayflower had shaven legs? Doubtful. They may have had more important things to think about, like drinking water that wasn't contaminated or surviving a brutal winter. Maybe they were thinking about preparing that first perfect meal, just like in the story books. They were probably pissed off at their husbands for expecting them to make the meals all the time. I'm almost sure about that. No matter what, I would bet they had hairy legs.

So why do I have to shave my legs for Thanksgiving? Mostly because I feel pressured to conform. I'll be hanging out with my sister's cute, young, skinny, Florida girl, perfectly shaven teacher friends. We'll be sitting by the pool. In swimsuits. (Oh, sure, that means even more shaving will have to take place.)

What's the big deal about shaving your legs? I'll tell you what the big deal is, it sucks. It's a frickin waste of time. The hair NEVER stops growing. As I am shaving, it is already beginning to stick out of the tiny little hair follicles, laughing, daring me to run the razor over that same spot just one more time. The razor is never sharp enough, the legs never get smooth enough, and where the heck do all those little red bumps come from?

Needless to say, this Thanksgiving, I won't be thanking the person who decided women should shave their legs. Here's what I will be thankful for: my sister's healthy pregnancy, the fact that my dad doesn't have to work any more, my mother's genius, and my precious son. I'll be thankful that I am healthier than I was last Thanksgiving, and that all of my family is healthy too. I'll be thinking of all of you who are running a Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning, as I'll be doing my own in Clearwater. With shiny, smooth legs.

I'm thankful for every single one of you who read this garbage each week and then tell me you "LIKE" it!! Now I've got to go, it's gonna take a while to get these legs ready for a trip to Florida.

Happy Thanksgiving!

B M MyASS

An interesting week just passed me by. Everyone at work has been offered discounted health insurance premiums by agreeing to a HEALTH RISK ASSESSMENT. This evil little test is bound to find something wrong with you, no matter how healthy you think you are. Do you wear your seat belt every time, do you smoke, what is your cholesterol number? And if you are perfect with those readings, how dare you lift heavy objects with your back instead of your legs????

Oh my, was this the talk of the office. We had to fast, God forbid. We had to give a blood sample; needles, yuck. Blood pressures were checked, questionnaires were completed, and the body fat electrodes spit out that gross number, glaring in our faces, letting us know exactly how much fat our poor bones are lugging around. But even that wasn't the worst of it.

Of course the scale made an appearance, that dreaded apparatus that reminds us why we hate to wash our jeans for fear of them feeling so tight again. The girl who assessed me might have weighed 110 pounds. So I convinced myself that at lunch hour, she would be outside chain smoking with a 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew, calling her baby daddy and screaming at him for not coming home last night. Was that too harsh?

Once you have been weighed, your height and weight are put into an equation and the result is a very special number, the BMI. That acronym gets tossed around a lot but how many of you know what it means? It stands for Body Mass Index and it's a number that tells you whether your weight is healthy or whether you could drop dead tomorrow. A healthy BMI falls somewhere between 18 and 24.9. Mine was not in that range.

Below 18, you're bound to drop dead when your heart stops beating because you are no longer giving it enough fuel and you seem to disappear when people view you from a side profile. 25-30, where I am not-so-contently sitting, is the place for the pleasantly plump, the "overweight", the folks who are chubby but not about to drop dead. Over 30 gets dicey and, I guess, is cause for concern as you don't want the cardiac problems to come from clogged arteries.

I have one particular friend who spent her entire week mulling this over. I almost had to sedate her when I caught her sending me Facebook messages at 6 AM, questioning whether she was now just a "frumpy middle aged woman." It was time for us all to get a grip.

It's good to know your BMI and you can easily plug your height and weight into a BMI calculator on one of countless weight loss web sites. Once you know what that number is, you must be responsible with it. Use it as a guide. It cannot dictate your life. There are people walking around with BMI's of 23 who look great on the outside. I'm sure many of them are really healthy. But I have a sneaking suspicion that some of them smoke 2 packs a day. I'll take my BMI any day, which by the way, is hovering between 25 and 26. I'm working on it.

Sure, if you're BMI is over 30, you should be considering a plan of action for reducing it. Setting a goal is a good place to start, but by all means, make that goal realistic. Someone whose BMI is 38 should not be striving for an 18. Strive for what will make you healthy and feel better and the BMI will follow.

My guess is we'll all be doing this again next year. Anything to pay less for health insurance. Yes, of course I hope my BMI is lower. For the record, I hope my friend's is lower too because I can't take another week of her being that preoccupied! (Love ya Tam) I'm still eating pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving. WITH whipped cream. And no BMI test would stop me from doing that!

Eating, Drinking, Smoking Your Stress Away?

How many of you don't have stress? C'mon, I'm not seeing any hands. . . . so everyone gets stressed from time to time, right? But how do you deal with it? Or maybe I should ask, do you deal with it? Many times we don't. We just push on, keep our lives going, make sure the kids are happy, make sure dinner is on the table. This isn't exactly healthy, but oh, it gets worse. Besides just ignoring it, our other awesome way to deal with stress is this beautiful thing called self destruction. Some smoke cigarettes, use drugs, drink excessively. I'm not telling you to stop these things, well maybe the cigarettes and heroin, just think about how you use them.

Here's a great example. This week, two of my clients were found dead in their apartments in totally separate incidents. Talk about stress. In my business, sad but true, the immediate thought is "was it a suicide?" and "should I have been doing something different to prevent this from happening?" To top it off, our dog is not well and money is always an issue. My immediate response to all of this was a plan to drive directly to Culver's and eat a turtle sundae.

WOW! NOW THAT WOULD REALLY HAVE HELPED!! Consider this scenario. I am totally upset, driving home. Here is the conversation in my head:
Good: "Don't do it, you'll regret it."
Evil: "Just eat it. It's just one sundae."
Good: "You'll hate yourself."
Evil: "You already hate yourself, who cares?"
Good: "You're better than this."
Evil: "You SUCK"

My goodness, I can see this decision to eat a turtle sundae is helping my stress so much already!

The moral of the story is that even though self defeating behaviors can bring a sense of short term relief, they usually lend themselves to even more stress down the road. Had I eaten the turtle sundae, I would have absolutely loved every bite and may have considered licking the little plastic container clean. The turtle sundae high would have lasted for a half hour, maximum. And then guess what? That little good vs. evil conversation would turn into a screaming match of "I TOLD YOU SO" vs. "SHUT THE F*&% UP".

So, Little Miss Blog Writer, what do you expect me to do with my stress? Thank you for asking. I happen to have a few suggestions. Start with giving yourself a little time. If your immediate response to stress is to drink a gallon of whiskey, give yourself a half an hour to set your stress aside. Then come back and think about the gallon of whiskey again. If you still really want it, maybe you should go to an AA meeting instead. All kidding aside, this is really about impulsivity, that immediate, poorly thought out reaction. Instead consider alternatives. You know what's coming next. This blog is about exercise isn't it?

So how did I handle the turtle sundae quandry? I basically just stopped in my tracks. I refused to allow the good vs. evil conversation to take place and I told myself that a turtle sundae, no matter how delicious, would only encourage me to feel fat and be very angry with myself later. So, I proceeded to drag my butt to the YMCA for spin class. After a full hour of that, I just wanted a hot shower and some rest. I had actually forgotten about the turtle sundae. And the stress and tension I had carried through the week had faded away, leaving me more equipped to face the rest of the week.

Next time you are stressed and find yourself grabbing the pack of cigarettes, corking the fourth bottle of wine, or sitting in a drive thru, stop and think. Will I feel good about this decision in an hour? Will it really help my stress? Consider replacing it with a brisk walk, raking leaves, or playing catch with your kids. The effect of this method of stress relief will be more long lasting and much more rewarding in the long run.

Finally, two things to take into consideration. First, the downtown Oshkosh YMCA offers spin classes at 5:30 on Thursday evenings that are taught by my friend Mike Magnuson. It's a killer workout and also pretty entertaining. Second, a turtle sundae at Culver's has 960 calories and a whopping 60 grams of fat. Do you know how glad I am that I didn't eat one?

There's Nothing to Be Afraid Of!

A new title, a new image, a new beginning.

It has been nearly 3 weeks since I finished running my first half marathon. These 3 weeks have been nothing like I expected. Remember walking into your house for the first time with your newborn baby? You were pretty excited when you left the hospital, right? But when you walked in the door at home and you set that car seat on the kitchen table and you looked at your baby, did you not think "oh god, what the hell am I supposed to do now?"

That's kind of how I've been feeling post half marathon. I prepared and anticipated and trained and read and etc., etc., etc., for almost 9 months. I had pain and fears, bought outfits, worried about what I ate and drank. The big day came and it was more amazing than I could ever have planned for. But then I got home and set my suitcase on the table and thought "oh god, what the hell am I supposed to do now?" I let myself feel that way for about a week and now I have, very slowly, started thinking about what comes next.

I've been running, and doing yoga, and I'm taking my first spin class tomorrow. It's important to me to maintain the level of fitness I reached during my training. It's also important to me that I don't have to switch back to the fat pants, again. I plan to run a couple of half marathons in 2011 and actually already have a couple of short races planned in the next few weeks.

What I'd really like to do is help other beginners get started. I'm no expert, not even close. But I do know how scary getting started can be. I had so many excuses; no time, couldn't afford a gym membership, no training partner, felt guilty spending so much time on this when I should be with my family. Not ONE of those excuses is valid, trust me. There is no good excuse for ignoring what your body needs to be healthy. Once you can come to terms with that, you are ready to get started.

The next thing you need to do is find something that you can tolerate doing a lot of. It would actually help if you kind of enjoyed it! Don't be afraid to try some new things. Believe me, NO ONE in Zumba class cares if you are not coordinated, no one in yoga class is judging your level of flexibility, no one is watching your speed on the treadmill at the gym, and only you are aware of how funny your head looks in a bike helmet. It's time to let go of these self doubts and allow yourself the freedom to enjoy something that is good for you.

Now, ease into it at your pace. If you are going to get into biking, don't attempt to bike around Lake Winnebago on your old Huffy the first time out! Talk to the yoga instructor and find out which class is right for a beginner before you walk into a class full of masters who can stand on their heads for 20 minutes. And for God's sake, if you plan to start running, get some decent shoes and be ok with walking a lot at first.

Still scared? It's ok. Just stop running away from it. The fear will chase you, taunt you, dare you to fail. You can kill that fear by proving it wrong. Walk a mile. Still scared? Don't turn your back. Mock that fear by proving it wrong. Learn to use the machines at the gym that you've avoided. Still scared? You will be until you take it on. Fear is weak and will run in the other direction the minute you challenge it. Get the laundry off your stationary bike and pedal for 15 minutes.

Don't worry, I still get scared too. In fact, I'm going to this spin class tomorrow, my first one ever. I've already got myself convinced that I will probably die. We'll see.

If you need a little boost, a little motivation, a little inspiration, come to my house on Sunday at 10:00 AM. I'm hosting a 5K in honor of the holiday and the tiny candy bars that come with it. No matter your ability level, you will not be alone. There will be kids and adults, walkers and runners, people who are confident and people who are still feeling insecure. But all of us will have fun and feel good about our accomplishment when we are finished. Please join us.

Unless you are scared!