Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays. I really do. Some of you who have seen me over the past few weeks may not believe me. Perhaps I seem a little stressed. Take today for example. It is 5:30 AM on Sunday and my kid spent the night at my in-law's house. Normally, that would mean the luxury of sleeping until eight and then lounging around a bit. But just a few minutes ago, I found myself wide awake, laying in bed planning grocery lists, household tasks, and hour-by-hour schedules. I can tell you exactly where I will be every minute of the day, beginning on Thursday at 4:30 until Sunday afternoon.
I know it's not just me. I know that most of you are shopping, wrapping, planning, baking, cleaning, and scheduling in a very similar fashion. I know some of you have clicked on that intriguing link on msn.com, "8 Ways to Manage Your Holiday Stress NOW!" Did you find it helpful? Me neither. (By the way, don't bother to read "Avoid Holiday Weight Gain". That one's not too much help either.)
These people need a writer who tells it like it is. Someone who knows that just because you have an apple and a protein shake before you go to the office party does NOT mean that you will have satisfied your appetite enough to skip the dessert table. These same experts also suggest "taking a breather to clear your mind". The person who wrote that must not have an inch of dust covering every surface in her home. My personal favorite? "It's OK to cry or take time to express your feelings." I really don't agree. No one wants to hear me screaming in the middle of the holiday dinner, "I hope you all enjoy the meal because it took me hours of preparation and planning and it cost me a fortune and I don't even like apple pie."
If you find these lists as irritating and completely unhelpful as I do, perhaps you will find my list more comforting and a hell of a lot more useful.
1. Buy a LOT of batteries. No one tells you this in self help books, but trust me, Santa has a way of leaving gifts that you never would have dreamed needed batteries. Keep a good selection on hand for Christmas morning and you will have less whining and your husband won't have to run to the gas station in his jammie pants to pick some up. (Thank goodness for Kwik Trip.)
2. If you have a pet, do not think you can get away with putting edible gifts under your tree just because they are wrapped. This should be self explanatory.
3. Christmas cards. Stop the madness. Don't send them to people you hate just because they were dumb enough to send one to you. If you must, send them to the select people who mean the most. And by the way, I stopped this tradition all together a few years ago so if you didn't get a card from me, it doesn't mean I hate you.
4. Get your children gifts that you like. Seriously, I refuse to purchase season 3 of Spongebob even if Sam would scream with joy when he opened it. And when choosing board games, I always get ones that I won't mind playing since I know I'll be his number one competitor in said games. One year, he received "Disney Channel Monopoly". That was a hard lesson to learn, my friends.
5. Go guilt free. Or at least try to. I hate guilt. It weighs me down a lot, and usually for things that I should not even consider feeling guilty about. Starting today, I am guilt free for one full week. Do the best you can. It is not up to you to make all 37 members of your extended family happy. If they don't enjoy the holidays, it's their own fault.
6. Not everything needs to be homemade. Pillsbury makes a lovely crescent roll that comes in a cardboard tube and people love those suckers. You can do it! Put down the yeast packets!!
7. Your kids will love you even if they don't get everything on their list. I promise.
8. Speaking of kids, put them to work. There is seriously not enough of this going on these days. If you are stressed about cleaning, cooking, or wrapping, stop doing it all yourself and make your children help you. Back in the day, people had extra kids for this reason alone. They needed more help! There is no reason your kids can't wrap grandma's present--the corners don't have to look perfect and who cares if they use 87 pieces of tape? The point is, it's one less thing for you to do. (Also, you will have much better luck getting help from your kids than you will from your husband. Fact.)
9. Some people might suggest wine. I think that's a bit too obvious. I will reserve that for Sunday night when things are finally winding down. For now, it's coffee, coffee, coffee. The more the better. Strong and black, nothing fancy. I have never seen this on one of those other stupid lists about coping with holiday stress. Clearly, they don't get it at all.
10. Try to have some fun. We all have that one relative we dread seeing. Sure, the turkey might be a little dry. I know the cat has tipped the tree over six times by now and your great grandmother's ornament is broken. Not everyone will use the coasters you've conveniently placed around your house. Yes, you bought something that the recipient already has and now you need to dig out the receipt. (You did keep a perfect little caddy with all the receipts organized alphabetically, didn't you?) It's not going to be perfect. No matter how much you try, it simply cannot be perfect.
Next year, I'm submitting this list to MSN to see if they'll publish it for the regular folks like us who know that carrot sticks and meditation are not going to save us from holiday chaos. I wish you all a very blessed holiday. Hopefully, stress free thanks to these tips. And no, you may not put tranquilizers in your kids' bed time snacks the night before Christmas. Are you kidding? Save them for yourself!
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