Terrified.

I don’t know how to start this entry. I’m feeling at a loss for words. So much in my head that I want to put on paper but no clue how to even get started. Have you guys been scared? Not scared like a rabid pit bull is chasing you but scared like I’m so excited but so scared at the same time. I liken it to being 14 years old and it is the summer before high school. You can’t wait to get there but you are dreading it at the same time. I clearly remember thinking what if I get lost in the halls? and what if some of the older girls make fun of me? and could I possibly even get beat up? I had nightmares of stupid old movies and books where the younger kids were forced into the water fountain and wondered how I could possibly walk the halls of the school looking as though I had wet my pants.

At the same time there was the excited anticipation of seeing my friends after a long summer and trying out for the cheerleading squad. For the first time, we could leave the campus for lunch and although gym class was still required, there was not a specific uniform that had to be worn, oh joy! On a little side note, wasn’t it always so disappointing when it was 87 degrees the first day of school but all of your new school clothes were much more appropriate for a 43 degree day? I think I may have worn a leather bomber jacket once on an 87 degree day just because I HAD to wear it. Back to the matter at hand, I was super excited to start high school but I was scared to death. Terrified really.

But this could even be worse. I might be more scared right now. Who am I to think that I can compete in a real triathlon? What if I get lost in the water? What if some of the more experienced athletes make fun of me? Could I possibly even get beat up? The nightmares are returning. I am seeing myself tumbling off my bike and curling up in a fetal position along the side of a country road as the guys on their fancy bikes whiz past and shake their heads in pity, if they even notice me. Could I be the very last person to cross the finish line? It’s almost as if I never got on a bike before, never laced up some running shoes, and never dangled my feet in the water.

Sure, I’m excited too. The truth is I’ve been training for this since January when I first got in the pool and swam only 400 yards, one lap at a time, breathing like an emphysema patient between each lap. The truth is I can run three miles even when I’m tired. And the real truth is that the only way I’ll be the last person to cross the finish is if I get badly injured. But still, the fear of this race is eating me alive, from the inside out.

I teach my patients to use the adrenaline from their anxiety to conquer their fears. So now it’s my turn. I’m hoping this adrenaline rush doesn’t make me run away and instead can fuel me to fight this course and do my best. My challenge to you this week is to face a fear. Take on something you are afraid of. Allow yourself to feel all the emotion and queasiness that accompanies the fear and then use that to take it on. Stop running away. And then let me know how you feel when you finally conquer the fear.

My guess is that none of us will get lost, none of us will be made fun of, and none of us will get beat up. In fact, we’ll probably all be more successful than our current level of fear wants us to believe. So come on, let’s get it over with. I’m facing my fear and I’m expecting you to woman up and face yours as well.

Warmly,
Brooke