By now you know my secrets. You've been reading long enough to catch on. I'm not doing anything magical here. Just an ordinary woman who decided that she was going to get in shape. I've written a lot about the mental toughness of athletes, especially runners. It's the one thing I must keep reminding you AND myself when we tackle new challenges. My body can do this, but can my head?
When I run, I have a constant dialogue going on in my mind and sometimes those old evil thoughts creep in. The worst for me is a familiar, vulgar five letter word, G-U-I-L-T. Yesterday I felt guilty about leaving Sam in front of the TV watching endless episodes of Sponge Bob while I was out running. (Side note: does Nickelodeon ever make new episodes?) It occurred to me that I planned my route down a big hill instead of up the incline. The inside-the-head dialogue now screaming, "Loser, you still can't do hills." So I felt guilty for letting myself down. This was all on top of the guilt over the vacation indulgences that included a lot of unhealthy carbohydrates, aka desserts.
Here are some other things I have felt guilty about recently: allowing my kid to drink soda; not taking my dog for a walk often enough even though she is clearly obese; Girl Scout cookies; Jersey Shore (OK, that's a guilty pleasure); eating pizza while watching Biggest Loser; spending while telling my husband not to spend; the extra chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
Guilt is like gangrene. It can just eat away at you endlessly until you feel rotten enough to die. The challenge is to cut off the dead piece before it spreads too far. We all need to amputate our guilt in an effort to preserve the healthy parts of our bodies and minds. I think the easiest way to accomplish this seemingly difficult task is to replace the emotions that accompany guilt with healthier thoughts, emotions, and perspectives on our behaviors. I feel very strongly about this. Gangrene is one of the primary reasons I focused on psychiatry. Significantly fewer cases of gangrene.
As some of you are beginning to realize, the thoughts and feelings that occur while running can often undo negative feelings all by themselves. While I was running up a smaller hill last night, I crossed paths with the high school track coach, who waved at me, as if to acknowledge "hey there fellow runner". About a half mile down the road, I saw the Ripon College cycling coach speed down the street in his full garb, enjoying our nice spring day on his bike. He's been biking all winter but it was an honor to share the road with him. And suddenly, in that moment, that awful five letter word was replaced by a new one. P-R-I-D-E
I am proud of myself for running, cycling, and swimming to burn off the cookies and ice cream. I'm proud that my son does well in school and athletics while allowed the occasional soda and Nick marathon. And I'm proud to have a solid career with a pay check that allows for a few indulgences even when times are tough. Wow, this feels so much better than the guilt I felt just five minutes ago.
Take inventory of your guilt sometime soon. I am willing to bet that you haven't been out stealing cars, selling drugs, or burning down buildings. Now THOSE would be things to feel guilty about. But for the minor mistakes, the occasional slacker moments, and the pesky little things that really do not justify guilt at all? Forgive yourself now. Be reasonable. And take pride in what you are made of.
I'm proud of all of you. Happy running, walking, dancing, singing, and yes, even eating!
Brooke
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