Am I fat? What about these jeans, do they make me look fat? I know, I know, I look fat today. It's my period, water retention, I must be gaining muscle, maybe I have a thyroid problem. How many times have you said these things in the last week, month, year? I am so guilty myself. But when it comes right down to it, what purpose do these statements serve? And do we ever really get the response we are looking for? Many times, we are throwing out these comments as we indulge on chips and margaritas, or over a grande whole milk mocha with whipped cream. Does it really make any sense at all?
As a woman who has been known to be vocal with my self critcism, let me stand back and try to figure out why we do this. I have an outfit on and I feel like I don't look good. I'm worried someone else shares my perspective. I want that person to know that I don't think I look that good so that they don't think that I think I really look good. Makes sense, right? Hmmmm. . . .
In another scenario, I know that I am not the thinnest girl in the world. Yet I am eating a large piece of cake in the break room at work. A thinner girl walks in and I am suddenly quite self conscious. What is the first thing I say? "I know I shouldn't be eating this." Then she replies, "Neither should I" and I say, "Oh, you can totally get away with it." I want her to know that I know that she has way more business eating this cake than I do. Really? Should either of us be eating the cake?
On the flip side, I have many times been the witness to other women making these comments about themselves. The worst, we all know, is the dreaded question, "do I look fat?" Men have been telling us for years how much they hate this question. There is no way to answer correctly. Even if the woman looks amazing and you tell her the truth, she will put down your answer and insist that she does not look amazing at all, that in fact she has never looked worse.
Not only do we insist on insulting ourselves to anyone who will listen, but we can't take compliments very well either. It seems we are so concerned about appearing vain, that we would rather portray ourselves as ugly, fat, and completely lacking in self confidence.
So I believe the problem may be two fold. On one hand we lack confidence but on the other, we fear judgement if we come across as too confident. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could accept a compliment or, God forbid, compliment ourselves for a change?
It's pretty difficult when you think about it. I can't really envision myself trying on swimsuits and shouting through the fitting room, "man, I look GREAT in this thing." But here's a place to start. Might I suggest that it is not my fault the swimsuit designer didn't know how to make a suit to fit my body shape? Instead of "I look so fat in this suit," the language instead should be "This is a really ugly suit." Look at the way you choose your words and try to change them so that you can recognize things aren't perfect without completely destroying your self image.
The next step I want you to practice (and I vow to practice myself) is to learn to accept a compliment. The next time someone says "you look great in those jeans", you MUST say "Thank you." And when you thank that person, you may not look away as if you are ashamed. You may not say something like "yeah, these are the only ones that fit." You will look this wonderful complimentary person in the eye and offer your gratitude with a smile on your face. Honestly, this interaction will feel better for both of you.
Finally, and this one will be tough. No more of the self depricating statements. Make a deal with yourself to stop now. If you are enjoying cake in the kitchen, just eat it and accept it. You don't owe anyone an explanation for that. If you are ashamed of eating the cake, put it down! Wear clothes that you feel comfortable in and if someone compliments you, by all means, wear those jeans again and again and again. And strut around in them with a sense of confidence. People, including yourself, will take notice and you will appear stunning no matter how much you weigh. Chances are, you will like that feeling so much that you will be motivated to keep working on your fitness and weight loss goals.
Don't let your friends get away with this stuff anymore either. Refuse to engage in these conversations. It's as simple as ignoring it or outwardly stating that you will no longer respond to statements of self hate. By all means, support your friends through the truly difficult times but do not continue to say "no, you do not look fat" day after day. It only perpetuates these conversations. Please, if you hear me talking about myself this way, tell me to stop. I will be thankful.
I'm tired of women beating themselves up for their appearances and particularly for their weights. We expect to be treated with respect by our friends, supervisors, families, and partners but we don't place any limits on how badly we choose to abuse ourselves. Let's take a stand and start changing the way we speak about ourselves now.
It's good to be back.
Love,
Brooke
This is great Brooke. Not only is it important for us as women, but it's especially important for the children (boys and girls) in our lives. I know as a child I grew up hearing my mom saying she looked fat, etc. and guess what... I grew up saying the same things. As adults, my sisters and I have promised not speak that negative language... especially in front of children.
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